In Time of Need - by Pho & Jmas
part - 01 ---- Jack ----
by JMAS
"Jack?"
Daniel's voice is barely there in the darkness, but I know where to find him. This is the third night we've gone through this; the third night of shakes and night sweats, the third night of dreams that bring him awake screaming my name...screaming for me to help him...
He's actually managed to sleep for three hours this time...a record for this particular vigil....
I still can't fully comprehend how a machine could have screwed him up so badly. That damnable Goa'uld machine is just as insidious as any so-called recreational drug I have ever known.
"What is it, buddy?"
"W-what day...?"
He's been asking that a lot lately. I guess it's easy to understand how he could lose track of the time so easily in this dark hole of an isolation room that I talked Janet into letting us commandeer to allow Daniel a little privacy and dignity as he fought his way back from this addiction. It's bad enough to see Daniel this way as his friend...it's worse than bad...but a ward full of doctors, nurses and well-meaning...but totally clueless...friends is not what Daniel needs right now. He needs someone who knows what it's like to fight to regain your very 'self' after coming so close to the edge....
And Daniel came closer to that edge than I even want to think about....
I knew, well...mostly knew, that he wasn't going to shoot me back there in that supply closet. It's just not in Daniel to shoot someone in cold blood...but there was just enough 'if' in that situation to scare a few months off my life.
Part of me wants to blame Daniel for letting that machine change him into someone I didn't recognize...and definitely didn't like. Another...bigger...part of me is just so damn glad to see him getting back to the irritating guy I've come to know...and respect, despite what he said back in that naquadah mine.
I turn on the small nightlight and bring him a cup of water. His hand shakes so badly that I have to help him hold the cup, but it's not as bad as it has been. He doesn't look at me...actually he's been avoiding my glance for days; the one sure sign that tells me he's coming back. He's remembering what he's done and finding himself at fault...
And some of it was his fault...I can't lie and tell him otherwise. But there's plenty of blame to go around. I should have made sure he was with us when we tried to escape; Shyla should never have put in him in that damn machine after it healed him...She knew what her father had become because of that thing. She knew what she was doing to Daniel even as she did it...
"Jack?" The voice is low, questioning.
"Yeah, Daniel?"
He looks right at me for a moment, then quickly away.
"Nothing, it's not important..."
He never could lie very well, especially not to me.
"Daniel?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
part - 02---- Daniel ---- ↑
by PHO
"Nothing, it's not important..."
He's looking at me ... again. I can feel his eyes. He knows I'm lying.
He always knows.
"Daniel?"
Quick. Think of something. Anything. What am I holding? Oh. I've drained
the cup dry. I am, was so thirsty. "Uh, more water?"
"Sure." I hear the disappointment in his voice. Are his hands shaking as
they take the cup? No. Those are my hands. Trembling, unable to grip …
anything. Jack's back. He holds out the cup … again. Maybe I can hold it
without his help. Okay. I can do this. He doesn't have to help me. Oh
shit! I dropped it. It's cold, so very, very cold.
"Jeez, Daniel, what were you thinking?"
Jack runs away from me. Well, why shouldn't he run? After what I did.
God, they almost died. I almost killed them. What was I thinking? Why,
why did I listen to *her*? Why did I climb back into that *thing*, again,
and again? I know why. It felt so, so good, so safe. Warm, inviting,
relaxing, loving. Loving? How could *it* be loving? It's not alive.
He's back? With towels? Oh, to clean up the water.
"Daniel, let's get you out of that wet top."
I'm not a baby. He doesn't have to help me. I push his hands away, and
try not to see the hurt in his eyes. I've hurt him, them, so very, very
badly. I feel the tears in my eyes. I can't work the buttons. My hands are
shaking too badly. "Jack? H..Help?"
"Sure thing, buddy."
I stare at the wall behind him as he undoes the buttons, and takes the
initiative to remove my shirt. He hands me a small towel, and a dry top.
Okay. I can do the towel. Get dry. I can put on the shirt. Not sure about
the buttons though. "Jack?"
"I got'em, Daniel."
Why does he even bother? I'm not gonna say anything else. What *can* I
say? I'm sorry? It wouldn't be enough, even if he believed me. And why
should he believe anything *I* say?
"How about trying to get some more sleep, Daniel?"
Does that need an answer? Stupid. Of course it does. "Okay." Simple. To
the point. Can't be anything wrong with 'okay', can there? I'm so tired.
He's moved closer … to help me lie down. Why can't I do this alone? I
forget. I'm so tired. The pillow feels so soft, so soft. I can't hold my
eyes open any longer. The darkness returns, but … I can feel his eyes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
part - 03 ---- Sam ---- ↑
by JMAS
The colonel looks like he wants to slug something...or someone.
I'm just glad it's not me.
Daniel still looks like a ghost, especially lying on those starched white sheets...the pale gauntness is even more pronounced. At least he's looking less like the stranger who spoke so cruelly to me in the lab three days ago; I didn't like that man...I'm glad he's gone. I just wonder if, at the end of all this, we'll get 'our' Daniel back.
We all know Daniel well enough to know that he's going to be affected by what he'll perceive as his betrayal of us. He won't take into account the fact that Shyla put him in that thing deliberately; he won't care that the sarcophagus changed him on a molecular level...that his actions were not within the control of whatever part of him still remained aware of what was going on. All Daniel will see, and I know it's going to happen, is that he left us in that mine...
Daniel has always been so understanding of our forms of craziness, working so hard to see things from our perspective...a perspective so intrinsically different from his own. He's such a gentle person; giving and passionate...so entirely open sometimes that it scares me for his sake, I'm afraid someday that he'll open up too far, or to the wrong person. The colonel sees it, too...I think that while he recognizes...maybe even envies Daniel's ability and desire to see the good in people...he knows that it sets Daniel up for a mountain of hurt. The funny thing is I think it's one of the things Daniel sees as a risk necessary to life...to 'living' life on that level that most of us just seem to miss.
But look what it's done to him this time...
As I watch through the doorway, the colonel tucks the blankets in around Daniel's shivering form. The colonel has been surprisingly...or maybe not so surprisingly..supportive of our friend through all of this. I know the colonel understands that Daniel wasn't responsible for his actions...and I *think* Teal'c does, too. But General Hammond is another matter entirely...he's angry at what he perceives as Daniel's 'civilian weakness' and is once again questioning the wisdom of allowing non-military SG team members; seemingly disregarding the fact that Daniel has proven himself repeatedly. Maybe I'm misreading the General...I hope I am, but even the colonel may not be able to talk our way out of this one...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
part - 04 ---- Teal'c ---- ↑
by PHO
Samantha Carter tells me that Daniel Jackson is recovering. I am pleased,
though I fear my teammates are not aware of this. They do not realize that
Jaffa training requires much discipline, of body and of mind. To survive
as a Jaffa, particularly a First Prime, emotional release is virtually
non-existent. To the Goa'uld, any form of emotional display is a weakness.
And weakness, of any sort, is not tolerated. I spent many more years as a
slave to the false gods than I have as a free man, fighting beside
teammates of equal stature. As much as I might desire to mimic the barely
restrained excitement of Captain Carter, I cannot yet do so. The need to
conceal my thoughts and feelings is too firmly imbedded.
I hold Daniel Jackson in much esteem. His training has been that of a
scholar, not a warrior, yet he functions well within our circle. Indeed, I
am unable to imagine SG-1 without him. His loss would be a tragedy of the
greatest proportions.
As I watch Colonel O'Neill's reactions, I recognize my own frustration in
situations over which I have no control. The bond between Colonel O'Neill
and Daniel Jackson is beyond my understanding. The two men are opposites in
almost every aspect of their personalities, except loyalty and honor.
Never have I seen two more honorable men. They personify much that is good
in the people of this planet. One displays is strength, and reticence, and
the other intellect, and openness.
Colonel O'Neill has stayed with our damaged friend for three days now, and
has taken it upon himself to endure the worst of Daniel Jackson's
suffering. I fear he has not yet come to terms with his own anger at what
was done to our friend, to the rest of his team, and … to him. Captain
Carter appears to have released her anger, though there are shadows in her
eyes which surface when she thinks that no one sees. Our imprisonment in
the naquada mine was exceedingly difficult, though their thoughts, and my
own, were primarily for Daniel Jackson's safety, despite his cruel and
thoughtless *words* in that place.
I have meditated much since our return, and can find no forgiveness in my
heart for this woman, this Shyla. I have no doubt that she knew what the
sarcophagus would do to our friend, yet she professed to care deeply for
him. This I do not understand. From the little I have heard, this *person*
persuaded Daniel Jackson to reenter the sarcophagus with promises of our
release. At this point, the damage was done, and each subsequent session
only served to exacerbate the problem. When at last we were released, I
found that I was unable to recognize my young friend. Indeed, there was
not much to like in the person he had become. I hope soon to see the
Daniel Jackson whom I admire.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
part - 05 ---- Janet ---- ↑
by JMAS
Daniel's vitals are improving steadily, though not as steadily as I would like.The mental changes are fading, but the physical craving...? It may be quite some time before that fades to the point that Daniel doesn't feel it so overwhelmingly. This is just such an unknown. I'm going on the assumption...I pray that I'm right...that the sarcophagus affects the body much as any addictive drug that we know of. It's those cellular changes that have me so concerned. The withdrawal so far has been extremely difficult and the pain is far greater than I'd expected. If it hadn't been for Colonel O'Neill staying with Daniel, helping to soothe him through the aching waves of pain...I don't know if our young friend would have made it.
I remember the screams that first night...
Daniel's voice, so strange and distorted, finally tapering off into hoarse sobs...then silence. I ran to see why the sounds had stopped so suddenly and found Colonel O'Neill huddled in the corner with Daniel held close to him. The red scrape along Daniel's jaw told it's own story. I don't blame Colonel O'Neill for knocking Daniel out. Unconsciousness was the only relief either of us could give him. I'd already tried tranquilizers; they'd had little effect and I feared that continuing to use them would only trade one dependency for another...but Colonel O'Neill couldn't keep punching Daniel out either....
Daniel still hasn't been able to keep anything on his stomach, not that Colonel O'Neill has been able to coax him into trying to eat much. At first I tried to keep an IV in, but Daniel was just too restless and the Colonel absolutely forbade me from putting the restraints back on. I still don't know what that was about.
In the end, I think it's a function of that immense tenacity that is such a key to the personalities of both men that has brought them this far....I just hope it can bring them out at the other end of this. As bad as things have been, I don't think it's over yet...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
part - 06 ---- Jack ---- ↑
by PHO
He's sleeping again, but he still doesn't look good. Even in sleep, the
lines of pain are obvious to anyone who'll bother to look.
God, this is what? The fourth day, or is it night? A quick glance into
the hall proves it to be daytime; the halls are too busy for a night watch.
A soft moan from behind me warns me that the bad stuff is starting once
more. His brow is creased with pain, and he's starting to thrash around on
the bed as I rush to get back to his side. Is this nightmare or
withdrawal? Jesus, Jack, what the hell's the difference when it causes …
this.
I'm on my knees beside him now, washing his face down with the warm water
that's seemed to provide some comfort over the past few days. His face
contorts suddenly, and his eyes shoot open, wide with panic … and pain.
"Easy, Daniel. I'm here." I wish I could tell him that it's all right,
but I can't. I know what's to follow.
His hands fist in the bedclothes as he arches soundlessly off the bed.
He's lucid enough this time to fight the screams, to try to maintain at
least some dignity in this, this mess.
"Let it out, Daniel. It's just you and me. Just let it go." Blue eyes,
filled to overflowing with tears, meet mine, begging for a moment of
release. But there's nothing I can do, except cradle his too-thin body in
my arms again. When was the last time he really ate? I can't remember.
Gotta ask Janet … but no needles. No way in hell is he gonna add needles to
*this*.
His body seizes violently and I find myself struggling to maintain my grip.
I'm gonna kill that little bitch. She knew. You can't tell me she didn't.
Whoa! Only three seizures this time. That's one for the books. He
collapses wearily against my chest, and I find myself automatically pushing
his too-long hair out of his eyes. Really gotta talk to him about a more
appropriate haircut.
I ease him back on the bed, stroking his hair as I position his head on the
pillow. His eyes meet mine once more, this time in silent gratitude. He
looks exhausted. Well, why the hell not. He hasn't had more than a few
hours rest in the last week. And those rest periods have been broken by a
pain so intense that, for a time, I was afraid he'd go truly mad, or die.
I'm smiling at him now, hoping that I'm being reassuring. That's a laugh.
Me, Colonel Mom. Jeez. But it's working. His eyes are still open, but
his body is starting to relax, just a bit.
He's sleeping again, more peacefully this time. A slight noise from the
doorway tells me that I'm not alone, and I turn to see … General Hammond.
I don't like the look on his face. Is that regret, mixed with contempt?
Surely not. Hammond wouldn't condemn… Yes, yes he would. He's never dealt
with this sort of thing before, at least not personally. He can't possibly
understand. Maybe if I ignore him…
"Colonel O'Neill?"
Oh shit! "Yes, sir?"
"I'd like to see you privately for a moment." Hammond frowns as Daniel
moves restlessly on the bed. "If you can leave…"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
part - 07 ---- Hammond ---- ↑
by JMAS
Looking at the pitifully changed form of young Jackson on the bed, I'm more
convinced than ever that civilians have no place on SG field teams. They
simply don't have the training and discipline required to deal with the
things that are 'out there' on the other side of the Stargate.
Colonel O'Neill is looking at me like I've suddenly become the enemy in this
situation, now I just have to convince him that he's wrong. I'm just trying
to protect Jackson...just like he is. With a sigh that he doesn't bother
trying to conceal, O'Neill steps into the hallway with me and slouches
against the wall, making it clear in that insolent gesture that he doesn't
intend to go any further from his young charge.
I take a deep breath before speaking; I'm not looking forward to this...
"Colonel O'Neill, as of now, Daniel Jackson is off SG1."
O'Neill straightens up in a hurry at that, an argument forming on his lips
even as he completes the move. "Sir...."
I hold up a hand to cut him off. "No arguments, Colonel. That's an order. He
can remain with the SGC if..." Even I don't have the heart to finish that
statement, but I continue quickly, "But all civilians are hereby removed
from active field duty."
O'Neill looks at me in poorly concealed derision, shooting a glance back
into Jackson's room. "Sir, this isn't Daniel's fault...."
I find my own anger growing at that, "Then whose fault is it, Colonel? Would
any of *you* have fallen for this? I can understand the first time...it
saved his life. After that, he chose...."
"No, sir...he didn't choose. That *woman* manipulated..."
"A civilian." I say it in my best 'no arguments' voice. "The subject is
closed,
Colonel. The SG teams will no longer have civilian members." I soften my
voice a bit, I know what Jackson has come to mean to SG1. "Colonel, it
really is for the best..."
"He's right, Jack..." It's Jackson's voice.
We both spin around to see the disheveled young man clinging to the
doorway with trembling hands. He looks at me with eyes dim from pain, hollow
with exhaustion and other things I can only guess at. Somewhere in those
eyes, that I've never quite been able to read like O'Neill can, I see a
mountainous guilt that is just as quickly hidden.
"I don't belong on the team, anymore...." The boy's, and he really is
little more than a boy...too damn young, too damn trusting, voice fades on
the last word.
We both see it coming, but O'Neill reacts more quickly and reaches Jackson's
side just in time to catch him as he falls.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
part - 08 ---- Sam ---- ↑
by PHO
Uh oh. This is *not* good. The General's talking to the Colonel, and the
Colonel, well, the something he wanted to hit earlier has turned into the
General. Don't, please don't.
Oh. Good. Ja…the Colonel's relaxed just a bit. I don't believe General
Hammond even noticed the tightening of his fists, just the anger on his
face, in his voice. But that was enough. Hammond's talking again, and
there's anger in *his* tones now. Damn! Too far away to hear the words,
and too near to slip away unnoticed. I'm well and truly stuck. What *is*
wrong?
Holy Hannah. Daniel. What the heck does he think he's doing? He can
barely stand, and he's walking, well, I wouldn't call it walking, exactly,
more like vertical crawling. At any rate, he's trying to reach the
Colonel. Obviously he can hear what they're saying. He's saying something.
Good, their attention is focused on him. Maybe now I can slip aw… Who am
I kidding? I've got to get closer. Maybe they won't notice.
Daniel looks so weak, so frail, so ... guilty. What'd he just say? What
does he mean he doesn't belong on the team? What kind of rubbish is that?
Of course he belongs. He just made a mistake. But he won't do it again,
will he? What was it Janet said? That the physical symptoms are fading,
but she's not sure about the changes at the cellular level. Could they
cause him … no, Samantha, that *person* in my lab is gone forever. I'm
sure of it.
Oh, look out! Catch him; don't let him get hurt. The cry dies in my throat
as the Colonel lifts the too thin form into his arms. Daniel looks much
too young as his head lolls against the Colonel's shoulder. Colonel
O'Neill shifts Daniel's weight in his arms, and turns to say something, I'm
afraid to find out what, to the General.
His words never come as he spots me. I find myself gulping under his
intense stare. "General, Colonel. I…I, uh, came to visit Daniel." Thank
God it's true.
"Captain." Both of my superiors are watching me suspiciously, probably
wondering how long I've been there, what I might have heard. Wish I could
tell them … too much and not enough. Damn! If I'm gonna hang, I'd at
least like to know for what.
The Colonel *looks* at the General. When did Hammond become the enemy? "If
that's all, sir, I need to get Daniel back to bed."
The General *looks* at the Colonel. I do not like this at all. A low moan
from Daniel, pulls all of our eyes in his direction. "Yes, Colonel.
That's all … for now. But we *will* talk later."
The Colonel puts on his best neutral officer face, the one I *don't* like
because it's so unreadable. "Yes, General. I look forward to *that*."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
part - 09 ---- Daniel ---- ↑
by JMAS
That's it, then.
I'm off the team.
Before...all of this...I would have fought the General's decision, but now...
I really don't belong out there anymore, if I ever did. Too many times I've
put my friends in danger, too many times I've rushed into places that Jack
and the others never would...I'm going to get them killed if I stay with
them. That's why I can't....
Jack's been looking at me strangely since I woke up. He doesn't understand.
For some reason, he's trying to make excuses for me, for what I did...but
he's wrong. I have to leave SG1, now, before....
I have to choke back a moan at the thought and receive another in a long
line of concerned looks from Jack. He looks terrible, lines of exhaustion
and worry etched plainly on his face. My fault there, too. He shouldn't be
here. He shouldn't have to be. I don't deserve his concern.
God, it hurts. I've never experienced this kind of pain before. But it's
the thoughts, the memories of what I did *and* said that hurt even more. It
seems like every time I close my eyes there's more to remember...more to
regret...more to hate myself for....
Trust me. And I will trust you. I promise. Shyla's voice, sweetly
entreating...
How many times have you used that thing. Sam's voice, concerned even in
its exhaustion.
All you guys have to do is hang in there... My own voice...saying that
and so many other stupid things....sounding so...foreign to that other part
of myself that seemed to be watching from far away, recognizing that this
was all wrong....
God, I *left* them there.
I couldn't focus on reality enough to realize that my friends were *dying*.
...and there's nothing I can say or do that will ever make that right again...
I wish I could get out of here. I know Jack's trying to help, he *is*
helping, but want...I *need*...to be alone...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
part - 10 ---- Jack ---- ↑
by PHO
Carter's smart in more ways than one. Her eyes grew impossibly wide as
Hammond reiterated that Daniel was off the team, but, unlike me, she chose
not to address the subject with him. Instead, she stammered nervously for
a moment, then excused herself. Never saw anyone disappear around a corner
as fast as that. It would've been funny if I hadn't been so pissed at
Hammond. Of all the uncaring, ill-considered, badly timed, just plain
*stupid* things to have happen. Daniel should have been asleep, rather
than having his heart and soul crushed … again.
Hammond's gone now. We exchanged glares for a moment, then he followed
Carter down the hall … at a much slower pace. Guess he didn't want me to
think he was running away from the *situation*. Well … he was, and still
is. The very idea that we should drop Daniel from the team. He needs us
now, more than he's needed us since Sha'uri was taken.
Shit! Daniel's conscious again, and struggling to get down. I really
wanted to get him back in bed and settled first. I could still force the
issue; he's far to weak too pose much of a challenge, but…
"Easy does it, Daniel. You don't have your sea legs, yet."
His wan smile is almost heartbreaking. "Th..thought you were Air Force, Jack."
A joke. Dammit Jackson. I know what you're doing. You're trying to hide,
to withdraw into yourself. To run away, just like the General. Well, ain't
gonna happen. I'm not gonna let ya. "Ya think?"
He nods and chews on his lip, even as he tries to stand by himself. I
recognize that look; he's trying to hide his pain. Look at him, wobbling,
trying not to clutch at my arm. Okay, fine. I'll hold onto his. His blue
eyes are so, so intense as he stares at me. What? There's … something.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. He wants to be alone. He wants me to leave him …
alone. I can see it in his eyes, and I'll bet, knowing the kid the way I
do, that he thinks he *deserves* everything that's happening to him. Shit,
I'm betting he believes he deserves *worse* than he's getting, if that's
even possible.
He thinks he *hurt* us. Well, okay, maybe a little. No, better be honest
with myself. He hurt us a lot. But we're over it. Well, mostly over it.
And, yeah, we're a little, maybe a lot angry. But not enough to throw him
to the wolves. Not enough to let him be thrown off the team. Not without a
fight.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
part - 11 ---- Teal'c ---- ↑
by JMAS
I am hoping to persuade O'Neill to take a few hours rest and allow me to
sit with Daniel Jackson. Captain Carter has informed me of General
Hammond's decision, and I do not agree. Daniel Jackson made a mistake and,
from what Captain Carter tells me, he fully recognizes that error and
accepts responsibility for it. Even among the Jaffa, that fact alone holds
great weight. What is done cannot be undone, but as long as the lesson is
learned...the subject is no longer relevant.
Colonel O'Neill is dozing in his chair beside Daniel Jackson's bed. Daniel
Jackson himself looks far from peaceful in his rest. The lines of worry
crease his young brow and fatigue is still etched there when all should be
peaceful stillness.
O'Neill awakens at my footsteps and motions for me to join him in the
corridor. I ask of Daniel Jackson's progress.
O'Neill looks back toward the room he has just exited. "Better, but a long
way from good..."
I am not entirely sure I understand, but nod. I have grown accustomed to
O'Neill's strange ways of speaking and his expression reveals much more
than his words ever could. I inform him of my intent in coming here and he
starts to refuse...
I pull him away from the doorway and speak to him earnestly. "O'Neill, you
cannot help Daniel Jackson if you do not help yourself."
He looks somewhat surprised by my words, and perhaps a little touched.
"You're right, Teal'c...I know that. But Daniel and I started this thing
together, we're going to finish it together...."
I cannot seem to find an argument for that, so I nod to him in
understanding. It is one of the many things that I find admirable about my
Tau'ri friends, they feel things so deeply, and their honor surpasses that
of even the Jaffa. As O'Neill turns back to the room, I follow him. If he
will not leave his vigil, the least I can do is keep him company for a
time. We re-enter the room and O'Neill stops suddenly. I move around him to
see what has happened.
Daniel Jackson is gone.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
part - 12 ---- Daniel ---- ↑
by PHO
Teal'c's timing has never been better. I couldn't have feigned sleep much
longer, but neither Jack nor Teal'c noticed that I was awake. Jack must be
more tired than I'd thought. I'd never have fooled him otherwise.
As I peer around the door, I know that I don't have much time. Teal'c
wants to spell Jack for a while … let him, Jack, you're too tired … but
Jack's having nothing to do with it. Good, they're focusing only on each
other. Now's my chance.
*Yesss*, the elevator's at this level, and no one's around. For once, luck
is on my side. Now if I can just … Close, dammit! Easy, Daniel, punching
the button repeatedly isn't gonna close the door any faster. But it *sure*
… *feels* … *good*.
Finally. The elevator door's closed, but where do I want to go? Where
*can* I go? Off base? Not a snowball's chance in hell. My lab? No, first
place they'll look. Well, after the storage closet, that is. Where?
Gotta press a button soon or the damn buzzer will go off. Topside? No,
Sam'll think of that. Shit! Okay, go down a couple of floors. That'll at
least get me away.
Think, Daniel, think. Where? Storage levels. No one's ever there, or at
least hardly ever. Which one? All of them, dammit, just press all the
storage level buttons. That'll tie the elevator up for a while.
My luck's holding, fifteen floors, and the elevator hasn't stopped, yet.
Now if it'll just hold a few floors longer.
I made it! Even going past the first few levels, my luck still held. … Oh.
It must be night. That's why no one needed the elevator. Stupid, Daniel,
real stupid. Just like back *there*, in the mines.
It's cold down here. I've only just arrived, and I'm starting to shiver.
It's not right. It oughta be hot … and dirty. With no food, and no water.
… At least that part's right. How could I have left them? Why didn't I
see that they were suffering? Sam looked so, so tiny in that mine. I
shouldn't have let Shyla talk me into getting into that *thing*. Stupid!
Stupid! *Stupid!*
Ouch. That hurt. I wiggle my fingers. They all move, maybe nothing's
broken. Nothing except the team. I broke it. Into two pieces, them and
me. I don't fit anymore, if I ever did. At least they'll be safe without
me. I've almost killed them too many times. General Hammond's right. I'm
nothing more than a liability. I should resign. That's it. I can't get
anyone killed if I don't work here.
I try to push myself up off the floor, but nothing works, hands, feet,
nothing. What?
Oh, God, the pain's coming back. "Jack?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
part - 13 ---- Jack ---- ↑
by JMAS
Dammit, Daniel....
Why did...? Well, you know *why*, O'Neill...the real question is 'where'?
We know he couldn't have gotten out of the front gate. Teal'c's checking
the service areas, Carter's going to look in Daniel's lab, even Hammond got
into the act...he really isn't such a total....
And I...I'm trying to put myself in Daniel's head. A long time ago, at a
point in my life I try not to think about...I remember feeling like this...
Where the hell are you, Daniel? Didn't you think we could take care of
this..together? We're a team now, kid....
And that's part of the problem, isn't it? You just can't get it through
that thick, over-educated skull of yours that a team works its problems out
together. Whatever happens, we can handle it.
Just got to find you first....
Makepeace took his team to comb the first three levels, they won't leave an
inch unsearched. I can count on Connors and his team to make a thorough job
of the next three. Feretti's so worried, I thought he was going to have a
coronary...but his team is taking the storage levels with me. I just figure
Daniel's trying to get lost for awhile; at this time of night the storage
levels are a perfect place to go if you want to get away from it all. Cold
down here, though. That's the government for you, they don't waste money
heating up a bunch of storage containers.....
Daniel didn't have much on when he disappeared; he'll be lucky if he
doesn't wind up sicker than he already is...
Coming around a stack of those same storage containers and heading for the
door, I stop suddenly...I think I hear...
"Jack..."
There. Behind the containers, almost hidden in the shadows...
"Daniel!"
God, he's cold. He's not moving though...not even shivering. What the...? I
pull him up against me trying to rub some warmth into his icy limbs. Too
bright eyes look up, for the first time since just before he disappeared
under that rock slide, *Daniel* looks at me. And he looks...so sad.
"Jack? 'm sorry...so sorry..."
His voice is barely there, I have to strain to hear it.
"I know, Daniel...It's gonna be...."
He shakes his head. "No...n't 'kay...nev'r okay..."
It sounds like he's just giving up, he *looks* like he's already given up.
I can't allow that....
"Daniel, listen to me. We'll take care of it, okay? You screwed up, *I*
screwed up, Shyla screwed up. It's a screwed up world..um..universe, but
we'll get through it..."
Daniel shakes his head." Too late, Jack...Can't...make it okay...."
A wave of pain rushes through his already frail body, nearly pulling him
out of my arms in its intensity, and he collapses against me. I reach for a
pulse and find....
"Feretti!!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
part - 14 ---- Feretti ---- ↑
by PHO
Damn it's cold down here.
This whole thing is just so damned unfair. Daniel is the kindest, most
gentle human being I've ever met. He'd give the shirt off his back to his
worst enemy. … Okay, maybe not quite *that* saintly, but damned close.
I've seen the reports, the number of times he's not only figured out *why*
the bad stuff was happening, but *what* the real reason behind it was. How
many times have his theories saved SG-1, hell, all of the SG teams at some
point? He's the last person I'd ever have thought would get addicted to
anything, except maybe Kleenex.
Damn bitch. It's her fault. Daniel wouldn't be in this mess, if not for
*her*. I'd like to get my hands around her scrawny little…. Whoa! Easy
Feretti. Now is *not* the time. Gotta find Daniel. I agree with Colonel
O'Neill. He's gotta be down here somewhere. Alone in this, this dungeon.
Okay. Nothing yet. I'll let the Colonel know there's nothing over here
and head down one le…
"Feretti!"
Oh God! Where? There. Oh Shit! O'Neill's doing compressions. Shit,
shit, shit! Why won't the damned button … There! "Medical Emergency,
sub-level seven, north quarter."
One, two, three, four, relax. O'Neill breathes for him. One, two, three,
four, relax. Another breath. Where the hell is the emergency team?
"Dammit Daniel! Breathe!"
God, O'Neill's really freaking here. If Daniel doesn't wake up … shut up,
Feretti. Jackson's got at least 6 more lives, before we have to worry.
One, two, three, four, relax. Come on, Daniel, this is getting monotonous.
What?
"Hold it, Feretti."
I don't know who's more pale, Daniel or the Colonel, but… is that? … Yes!
He's breathing. Thank you, God. Damn he's cold! Oh, no, Colonel. You're
not looking too good yourself. We'll wrap him in *my* jacket, thank you
very much.
Are those tears in O'Neill's eyes? Okay, you knew he was human, but he's
usually better at … Get real, Feretti, he's exhausted, and let's face
facts, scared to death. We all are. Truth be told, I'd say most of the
base is worried about losing Doctor Jackson. Except for the assholes, and
they don't count for shit. And, I'm betting the good Doctor doesn't even
realize how important he is to this command. He's just so damn modest.
"I'll take him now, gentlemen."
Dr. Frasier's here now, kneeling beside Daniel, trying to pry Jack's hands
away. Uh Oh. The Colonel looks like he's gonna put up a fight. I put a
hand on his shoulder, and his head jerks up, looking straight at me, uh,
through me.
"Colonel, let the medical team do their job. You've done yours."
He glances from me, to Dr. Frasier, to Daniel, then back to me. Nods,
stands up, moves away, and slams a fist into a storage unit. Better it
than me. Shit, what a mess.
Damn it's cold down here.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
part - 15 ---- Janet ---- ↑
by JMAS
This is the crisis I've been afraid of. Of course, wandering around down there in the cold for hours didn't help Daniel's condition any. We've got him stable, but it was closer than I like to get.
Colonel O'Neill looks like he's at the end of his endurance, but I'm not going to waste words trying to make him leave. The rest of this crowd, though...
Feretti, Makepeace and both their assembled teams. Connor was here, but I think he had to leave for a mission. Sam, Teal'c, even General Hammond...The gang's all here, waiting for me to tell them if their friend is going to live or die. I wonder if Daniel begins to realize how many lives have become intertwined with his own, how many people *care* about him? I doubt it.
I make my announcement and tell them all to go in my best I'm-the-Doctor-and-I-said-so voice. It works. Except for Colonel O'Neill and General Hammond. Uh oh. Even Hammond ought to know better than to mess with Colonel O'Neill now....Feretti and Makepeace are lingering at the door, they know the colonel even better than I do...and both of them are obviously upset at the General....
Surprisingly enough the General smiles tightly. "Colonel, I'm glad Dr. Jackson is improving. I "still* think there's a lot of reasons civilians don't belong on field teams, but after due consideration," He glances pointedly at Feretti and Makepeace, who look back unwaveringly, "I've decided that we'll keep things as they are...for now. Dr. Jackson is back on SG1...if you want him."
Colonel O'Neill seems to be in shock, staring from the General to Makepeace to Feretti and to me. The General smiles that little Texas gentleman smile and leaves, Feretti and Makepeace right behind him.
As soon as they leave Colonel O'Neill sinks down in his chair, scrubbing his short sandy-gray hair with his hands. I move over to him to see if anything's wrong and he looks up at me with tired eyes.
"That was *too* close, Doc," he says tiredly.
I'm not sure which close he's talking about, Daniel's life or Daniel's life with SG1...or maybe both. I just nod agreement and motion him into Daniel's room.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
part - 16 ---- Hammond ---- ↑
by PHO
One thing's for certain. Dr. Jackson has many friends at this facility.
Friends that would put their careers on the line for him. Or at the very
least, risk a written reprimand for insubordination.
Feretti I can understand. He's been a good friend of Dr. Jackson's since
the beginning, but Makepeace? The man has depths I never knew were there.
Amazing, but indicative of how our archaeologist / anthropologist /
linguist can get under even the toughest skin.
Major Feretti's impassioned plea not to *destroy* SG-1 ended with my
promising to *think* about the impact that the loss of Daniel Jackson would
have on both the team as well as the SGC. By the time he left my office,
we'd both calmed down, he'd apologized for 'conduct unbecoming an officer'
- didn't even know he used such language - and I'd decided to end our, uh,
conversation with a verbal reprimand, off the record. Can't let junior
officers get away with too much, I do have a command to run.
Colonel Makepeace took me entirely by surprise, arriving as he did shortly
after the Major left. The knock on the door should have clued me in; anger
always translates into pounding.
"Come."
"General. Rumor mill has it that Jackson's been kicked off SG-1, sir."
"Rumor mill is correct, for once, Colonel."
"May I ask why?"
"Not that I have to explain my decisions, Colonel, but I should think his
conduct speaks for itself. *You* of all people should understand the need
to maintain discipline at all times. This is just the latest incident in a
string of mishaps, and fortunately that's all they were, that have led me
to remove him from active duty."
"What did O'Neill say, sir?"
"He protested, but my decision stands. Daniel Jackson is off SG-1. From
now on, he will undertake nothing more dangerous than translation or
artifact analysis."
"With all due respect, General, you're making a mistake. … Hear me out,
sir. Jackson has proven his worth time and time again. Hell, it's so
obvious even Ray Charles can see it."
"Colonel, you're pushing…"
"I'm not through, sir. How many times has this *civilian* died, or almost
died to save his team, this facility, or this world? How many times have
his theories saved our lives as opposed to putting them in jeopardy? He
made a mistake. Fine. Proves the man's human. Reprimand him, on the
record, if you think it's necessary. That's hurtful, but not fatal. But
don't destroy everything the man's done under the guise of trying to
*protect* him. It's just, dammit, not right. … Sir."
"Are you quite finished?"
"Yes, sir, I am."
"Excellent timing, Colonel, because I will not stand for any more
interference with *my* decisions. Is that *understood*?"
"Yes, Sir!"
"Fine. I will take your recommendation under advisement, but my final
decision will *not* be argued, by you, or any one else. Am I clear?"
"Crystal. Sir."
"As long as we understand each other. Dismissed."
In the end, I decided to leave Dr. Jackson on SG-1, provided the team still
wants him. I hope I haven't made a mistake.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
part - 17 ---- Sam ---- ↑
by JMAS
Well, I'll be....
I was on my way to speak to General Hammond about Daniel, when I heard Makepeace....Makepeace, of all people...defending the civilian he'd always complained about. Feretti was hanging out just outside the door, something was definitely fishy about that...
When the colonel told me about General Hammond's decision, I knew I'd been right...Who'd've guessed those two would ever agree on anything, much less the value of a civilian *and* a scientist to this facility. I had to let the cat out of the proverbial bag then and the colonel laughed so hard I thought he might wake Daniel.
Daniel...
Janet says it seems like everything's settling back into some semblance of normalcy, that his body is remembering how it's supposed to operate instead of acting the way the sarcophagus told it that it should. He's been unconscious since the store room and he really looks like he's getting some color back. Knowing Daniel the way I do, though...this thing is far from over.
It's going to take a long time before Daniel lets himself off the hook for this, no matter what we say. Daniel's always been his own worst critic, he can forgive just about anybody but himself.
I remember when he first realized Teal'c had to have been the one to choose Sha're for Apophis. It had taken Daniel some time, but he *had* understood...and forgiven. Perhaps because Daniel had spent so much time with the former slaves on Abydos? It had to have given him a unique insight. But I think it would have happened anyway, that's just how Daniel is.
The colonel asked me how I felt about Daniel returning to the team. I think I must've looked at him like he was crazy. Was there ever any question that he would? They didn't give up on me when all that stuff with Jolinar happened, they stuck by me. Whatever's happened, we're a team...we're going to stay a team.
When Teal'c came by the colonel put the same question to him. Teal'c looked long and hard at Daniel, and just as searchingly at the colonel. "Is he not still our friend, O'Neill?"
The colonel had looked away at Daniel's still form, at the tubes and wires that were slowly bringing life back into the tortured body.
The colonel's voice...almost...broke as he replied, "Yeah, Teal'c...he is."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
part - 18 ---- Jack ---- ↑
by PHO
Well, Danny, we're alone, again. Just you and me. Sort of. If I ignore the
nurses that come every hour, on the hour, to take your vitals, and do
other, nursey stuff that I don't really want to understand. Janet Frasier
shows up too, every so often. Don't know who she's really watching, you,
or me. Probably both, considering how bad you look and how bad I feel.
Oh, God, Danny. What do I do? What do I do? Everything was so simple when
Hammond wanted you off the team. Fight him all the way. … See, simple.
Right. Now, I'm not so sure. Gotta face it. The old man didn't do me any
favors by leaving the decision to me.
Teal'c and Carter both want you back. Back, Hell, the idea of 'off' never
even occurred to them until the General pushed the issue. They're both
good people, talented people, loyal people. And even Junior has his
*moments*, just don't ask me to wax poetic about a snake. It's clear they
want you on the team. That to them, you're an integral part of SG-1.
You're important to me, too, Danny. But… As much as I want to keep you on
the team, am I being fair to you by allowing it? Oh, I know. You've faced
death more than most military types. From what Sam tells me, Makepeace
made that perfectly clear to Hammond. Never knew he even noticed.
Hard-nosed prick that he can be.
I'm scared, Daniel. Scared of losing you out there. Not to death, that I
could handle, eventually. But I'm terrified of losing you to something
worse. We're bound to run into those *things*, sarcophaguses, again. Hell,
no self-respecting Goa'uld would be caught dead without one. We almost
lost you to that thing, Daniel. When *she* finally released us from the
mine, I didn't even recognize you, bouncing around like Tigger in those
robes, eyes wide but for once really blind. And then you kissed her, I
mean really kissed her. The Daniel Jackson I know and respect would never
have considered such. That's what I mean, Danny, your body was there, but
you weren't. And I really didn't like the Daniel that was there.
I once heard a story, probably from you now that I think about it, of a man
who found this jewel of some sort - what the heck was it, oh yeah, a pearl
- a pearl of great price, that's it. Anyway, when he found it, he sold
everything he owned just to buy it.
But what it all boils down to is that you're our 'pearl of great price',
Danny. You're worth more to us, to me, than you'll ever know. Do I dare
risk all that you are just to keep the team intact? And if, no, when we do
find another sarcophagus, will we lose *you* again? Perhaps forever?
God, I'm tired.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
part - 19 ---- Daniel ---- ↑
by JMAS
I feel...almost...human, again. Who knew that a shower could wash away more than just the sweat and grime? I caught Jack staring at me as I tried to dress on my own for the first time in... I don't even know how long it's been since we came back to Earth, much less how long it's taken to...withdraw...from the sarcophagus' effects. I don't think I really want to know. Not yet. I know I've lost weight, Jack had to cut a new notch in my belt for me. I feel...not exactly better...but more *me* than I have in a long time. I've still got a slight tremor in my hands and my energy level is way down near the bottom of the barrel, I barely got through the shower without having to ask for help; but I actually *wanted* the so-called food they brought to me this morning...so that's got to be good.
Jack says it's normal to feel this way; somehow, I'm sure he knows what he's talking about. What worries me is the looks I keep getting from him. Sam said that Hammond changed his mind about civilians on SG teams, and I'm glad...for the others. I just don't know if I have it in me yet to ask to come back...even if Jack would let me. I'm guessing that's what all the looks are about. He's not sure if he can trust me; I don't blame him, I don't know if I trust myself anymore. And right now I can't seem to come up with a single good reason for *him* to try.
Jack hands me off to Tealc at my lab with orders to do nothing more strenuous than read. I wonder how long they're going to keep up the baby-sitter routine. It's not necessary anymore, Janet told them that the physical effects are all but gone. I know the last episode down in storage must've been pretty hairy, but...
A knock at he door interrupts those thoughts and Feretti sticks his head in the door with that same goofy smile that always makes me laugh. "Hey, Doc!"
I try to return the smile, but I know I don't quite make it. I wave him in and he comes to sit beside me on the sofa. Feretti looks up at Teal'c like he's trying to decide something, then he tells Teal'c that he's needed in the briefing room and promises to stay with me. Teal'c gives Feretti a long, almost threatening, look then leaves.
"Guess he told me," Feretti grins, then his expression grows serious. "How's it going, Daniel?"
Feretti's...Feretti. He's seen me in the best and worst of times, from the very beginning, and I've found I can tell him a lot of things I can't discuss with my...team...things I know would upset them, or make them think less of me. Now is no different.
"I don't know, Feretti. I should probably just quit before I...." I can't finish that thought, but he nods as if I had. "But then there's Sha're. And the team. I don't want to leave SG1, but I'm afraid if I don't I'll just screw up bigger next time and get one of them killed...or worse..."
Feretti looks at me for a long moment, then looks around my office. "So what are you gonna do? Hole up down here and translate whatever they bring to you?"
I shrug my shoulders, I hadn't given it much thought beyond the obvious. I want to continue that part of the work, that much I *do* know.
"Daniel, you just going to let those people out there, all those people like the ones on Abydos down?"
I know I look confused. What's he getting at?
Feretti looks at me directly now, his eyes piercing into me. "Us military types, we just don't get it. The people out there on the other side of the gate, they're slaves, most of them. You think the brass cares about them? If they send troops back to that planet to get the naquadah, you think they're going to stop and think about all those people that crazy king's got chained up in there. You think they're going to care if some of them die in the cross-fire."
I didn't even know they were planning to go back, much less... They can't go in there in force and... Stop it. Not your problem anymore, Daniel. But...
Feretti smiles at me, like he knows what I'm thinking. "They need you, Daniel. This *place* needs you. SG1 needs you, too...they're just scared right now because they almost lost you. "
I can't listen to this. Nobody needs me. I jump to my feet and start pacing... wobbly pacing, but pacing.
"Feretti, I almost let them die in that mine. I said things that can't be forgiven. I almost killed Jack and that guard for God's sake!"
Feretti jumps up and looks me in the eye. "That's just it Daniel. Almost. Somewhere under all that voodoo that thing put you under, you knew. You *did* get them out of there. You *didn't* shoot O'Neill. You *didn't* kill the guard, he's not real happy about it, but he understands.The words...that you might have to do some talking about. But nobody...and I mean nobody...around here blames you for falling under that voodoo...It could have happened to any one of us."
That cuts into me in a totally unexpected way and I turn my back on him so he can't see the tears that spring into my eyes. "But it didn't..."
I pull myself together as I realize that I need to do something, something I should have done already.
"Feretti, can you take me somewhere?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
part - 20 ---- Jack ---- ↑
by PHO
Feretti did his job, delivered his message. Teal'c arrived a few minutes ago. The next mission location's about to be selected, and the gang's all here …, except … Don't go there, O'Neill. What *is* Carter saying?
"Probe's data indicates that P3H826 is a viable next mission for SG-1, sir."
Soft, almost hesitant footsteps on the stairs attract my attention. What…
"I have another suggestion."
How the hell! Feretti! I told him to stay with Daniel, not walk him around the complex. So help me, I'm gonna throttle … God, Daniel looks so, so timid, so … scared. Scared of what? Don't be stupid, O'Neill. You. Only you. He knows Hammond has backed down on his 'no civilian' shit, and that Carter and Teal'c are just waiting for him to get well. They don't doubt for one minute his right to return to my team, and it is *my* team. My decision. So I'm the only obstacle left. What *is* Daniel saying?
"I think we should go back to P3R636. Before you say anything, just hear me out. There are thousands of innocent human beings there who we can free from slavery."
"Shyla cannot free her people, without putting her world at great risk."
That's right Teal'c, point out the obvious, make us all feel sooo much better. That wasn't nice, O'Neill.
"Then we have to offer her alternatives. New ways to mine the naquadah. I mean, we don't even know if the Goa'uld will notice if the shipments stop."
Carter's saying something now, but I don't really hear her. Probably a mistake that, but he looks so, so lost. Hmmm, did the General say something? *Listen*, O'Neill, Daniel's talking again. He needs a haircut.
"…I'm offering you a shot at a diplomatic solution. Please, Jack, I need to take the chance."
For the first time since Shyla took him, he can meet my eyes without flinching. There's still pain there, but not the physical kind. There's fear, too. Fear of being abandoned, again. In a brief instant, those expressive eyes speak volumes. I can see the unconditional apology in them; the absolute need - God, I hate that word - to know for sure. To be completely certain he can face the temptation of the sarcophagus without failing himself, and us. But I'm betting he's only thinking of failing us. For a moment I hold his eyes captive with my own, hoping against hope he'll read the forgiveness, and unqualified support, in mine. See, Jack, the decision's not that hard. "We can back him up, sir. I'd like Daniel back on the team." Just like that. I can only pray he'll be strong enough.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
part - 21 (epilog) ---- Janet ---- ↑
by JMAS
SG1 is standing at the gate almost like a group of strangers. Everything's still pretty raw and it's going to take some time for that to change. But as Colonel O'Neill reaches over to adjust Daniel's pack strap and receives a tentative smile in gratitude, I can't help feeling that they're going to be okay.
The team takes a visible collective sigh as the wormhole stabilizes and moves forward as a group, unconsciously moving to surround Daniel. It's an instinct with them, established long before any of this ever happened. There was never any real possibility that Daniel *wouldn't* return to SG1, at least not in my mind...it was only a matter of when. Daniel Jackson is as integral a part of that team as any of them, in some ways even more so. He's the drive, the heart...as Colonel O'Neill once said....the conscience. That team wouldn't survive without him, at least not as a team; I know that to be a fact.
Just before they disappear into the event horizon, I see Colonel O'Neill give his team a thumb's up. The gesture is returned by a nod from Teal'c, a smile from Sam, and a hesitant nod from Daniel. Daniel knows how close he came, how close they all came to losing everything that they had become...together.
I know the colonel is worried about what may happen when Daniel gets near that sarcophagus again, but I'm not...not anymore. Colonel O'Neill didn't see the look on Daniel's face when he woke up after that last scare; I'd been able to talk the colonel into taking a break for the first time in days and so he was gone when Daniel finally regained full consciousness. As I came through the door on my way to check his condition, I saw a look on his face that I hope never to witness again. He was lost...totally, completely bereft. He thought the colonel had abandoned him and it scared him to death. I know a little about Daniel's background, enough to know he got a raw deal as a kid, and things didn't get much better from there...Thinking that his team had given up on him must have felt like losing his family all over again.
And that's what SG1 is...family, more than family really. A family doesn't usually get to choose it's members. I don't know if they even realize themselves how unique they are. Feretti does, even Makepeace does...Sam filled me in on what those two did. Even Hammond knows it, in his own way. Hell, everybody on this base who's spent more than two hours with them knows that SG1 is something out of the ordinary in a business that by its very nature is extraordinary.
As they disappear into the shimmering Stargate, I realize that, to them, they just *are*: a team, in every sense of that word...a family, in a way that many blood relatives can only aspire to...friends, in that soul-deep, always there in ways that few people ever find in *one* friend much less three. They don't have to talk about, they *feel* it. This experience may have tested those bonds, but I don't think there's a power in the universe that's going to break it.