Old Dogs, New Tricks
by Pho
The weekly SG-1 state-of-the-universe meeting with General Hammond ended with no sarcastic remarks being uttered by Jack O'Neill, an event so unusual that the general felt compelled to ask a parting question. "Colonel, are you all right?
Jack started slightly, and managed to look a little sheepish. "Oh, uh, yes, sir. I'm fine. Just up a little late last night, that's all."
Hammond eyed the SG-1 commander suspiciously for a moment before replying. "Very well. SG-1 dismissed."
Much to the surprise of his teammates, Jack made no effort to rise as Hammond left the room. The remaining threesome shared significant, but befuddled looks. After a few moments of silence, Daniel ventured, "Uh, Jack, are you *sure* nothing's wrong?"
"What?" The colonel looked up at the concerned faces of his team. "Oh, plenty's wrong. Sort of. I think."
Sam's face spoke volumes about her confusion. "Sir, you told the general that you're fine."
"I *am* fine. It's just... Never mind." Jack slipped into his military commander mode. "Don't the three of you have something to do?"
Daniel, Sam and Teal'c immediately sat back down at the conference table. Daniel, again, took on the job of spokesperson. "Yes, Jack, we need to find out what's wrong. Nightmares?"
"Like you wouldn't believe." Jack sighed as he ran his hands through his hair.
"Our last mission?" Sam asked softly, wondering what about it might have upset the older man.
Jack's head snapped up and he stopped playing with the paperclips from the meeting portfolios. "What? Oh, no. *Not* that kind of bad."
"O'Neill, unless I am mistaken, this conversation is as confusing to Daniel Jackson and Major Carter as it is to myself."
"Yeah, Jack, you're not making much sense." Daniel sighed in exasperation.
"Oh, for crying out loud, it's nothing important. I just..." His voice trailed away and he stared at the table again.
"You just what, sir?" Sam prodded.
"Iboughtacomp..." The colonel's words ran together in a jumble and Sam and Teal'c looked expectantly at Daniel.
The younger man cocked his head and muttered. "Do I *look* like I speak mumble?" As Teal'c's mouth opened to reply, Daniel held up a hand. "Forget I asked. Jack, just tell us what the problem is?"
"I bought a computer." Jack sighed and tossed a pencil across the room.
"Excuse me?" Daniel gasped in surprise. "You've always said you'd never have a PC at home."
"That's wonderful, sir, what speed, what's the size of the hard drive, did you get a read-writeable CD rom, internal or external modem?"
"From my observations of Airman Hadley's reactions upon purchasing his computer, I would have expected you to be more openly enthusiastic. Can we assume that your purchase has not gone exactly as you anticipated?"
The joint responses solicited a groan from Jack. "Yes. I don't know. Yes."
"Jack!" Daniel replied in exasperation.
"I answered your questions - yes to Daniel, I don't know to Carter and yes to Teal'c."
In was Sam's turn to look puzzled. "You don't know...what, sir?"
"Fine. It has a read-writeable CD thingie and the modem is on the inside. Satisfied?"
"Thank you, sir." Sam tried to hide her grin. "Is it Window 2000 ME?"
"I know that!" Jack replied his eyes laughing for a change. "The answer's yes."
"You only know that because it says so on the main screen." Daniel teased.
"Hey, at least I remembered it."
"O'Neill, why are you unhappy with it?" Teal'c asked curiously. "Airman Hadley named his Gertie and still speaks lovingly about her."
"Sweet." Jack stuck his hands in his pockets, then sighed. "Okay, to tell you the truth, I'm a little confused about the software that came with it. Kinda."
"Kinda?" Daniel prompted as Sam replied, "Maybe we can help?"
"Yes, Daniel, kinda. And maybe *you* can, Carter?"
"Fire away, sir." Sam smiled encouragingly.
"Okay. I followed the directions. It's up and running and seems to be fine except..."
"Just spit it out, Jack."
"Okay, it came with two music software packages that do Internet music for crying out loud. And there's four different packages that you can use to watch movies or something. Now, I ask you, what do I need with six audio/visual packages? Hell, I'm not sure, I would've thought Corn would be country-western."
"Uh, no, Jack. Korn is a heavy metal rock group."
"So *that's* what that was. Okay, what about the audio stuff?"
"Personal preference, sir. Some people like the features in one product over another." Sam smiled benignly.
"Oh. Then I probably shouldn't have installed them all, right?" Jack looked expectantly at his team.
To the surprise of all, Teal'c responded. "I do not believe it to be harmful. Use each one for a period of time then discard the ones you do not like."
Jack glanced at Daniel and Sam then gulped. "Uh, Teal'c, how..."
"Airman Hadley was most explicit in his instructions." The Jaffa replied solemnly.
"Oh. I see." Jack sighed heavily. "Well, actually, I ready had that figured out. And before anyone asks, I installed the virus software before selecting an ISP and connecting to the Internet."
"Way to go, Jack." Daniel cheered, then asked curiously. "So, if you're so well adjusted, what's the problem?"
"It had some financial software packages on it. A couple of them actually."
"Okay?" Sam encouraged.
"I tried them both." Jack was looking decidedly sheepish now.
"And?" Daniel and Sam asked together.
"Well, they both connected to the Internet and did something called Online Banking."
"That's good." Daniel began, then got a look at Jack's face. "Isn't it?"
"I'm not sure." Jack's sheepish look only deepened.
"Jack!"
The colonel threw up his hands. "Okay, okay, the online banking thing asked me a bunch of questions, then it, well, it downloaded my checking account statement, then closed sorta suddenly."
Sam nodded. "Yes, sir, that's what they're supposed to do."
"Great." Jack looked much happier. "Where is it?"
"Where is what?"
"My statement."
Daniel's eyes widened. "You didn't see where it put it, or, what it was named?"
"That would be a 'no', Daniel. I didn't even know it was going anywhere until the connection shut down."
"What software where you using, sir?"
"I don't know." Jack looked sheepish again. "I was just kinda fooling around, getting used to the machine and just wasn't paying attention and it *was* very late, so I was getting tired. Do you have *any* how much software comes with a new PC?"
Daniel just looked at him in amazement. "So, you really don't know where your statement is?"
"I thought I said that."
"Sir, why don't we come over tonight and I'll see if I can find it for you?" Sam carefully avoided looking at Daniel, knowing she'd lose her composure immediately if she met the other man's eyes.
Jack brightened instantly and virtually leaped from his chair. "That would be great! I'll order pizza and we can put the hockey game on in the background." To the team's astonishment, he continued talking as he headed for the door. "I found a really neat game site on the Internet, where everyone who plays picks a character, like an elf or a dwarf or a human - that's kinda dull, and then..."
The three remaining members of SG-1 stared after their CO's figure as he disappeared down the hall. "Teaching old dogs new tricks?" Daniel asked pointedly.
"More like creating a monster." Sam moaned. "This is gonna be bad."
"Indeed." Teal'c replied stoically. "O'Neill's level of enthusiasm is rapidly approaching that of Airman Hadley's. Perhaps we should not have expressed our concern?"
"Ya think?"
The end?
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